They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Only a mothe r could love this liver
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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