My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
