I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
