My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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