if you like me you must not know who I am
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
