Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
