We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
