after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
