...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All the doctor said was why
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
