i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
