ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
