I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
