I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
