arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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