the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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