There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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