My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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