I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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