and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
