the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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