Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i can run in heels then i can drive
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
