Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I intend to get homeless drunk
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
