It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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