At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
