After last night, I could never be a politician.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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