Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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