Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
