Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
