Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Welp...herpes.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
