My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
