my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
