i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
