My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
