my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
