Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My first STD was from a foam party
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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