Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
