tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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