I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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