he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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