He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
