Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize