I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
