Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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