We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
