Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
