My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
