I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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