At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
