did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
