He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
