I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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