At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
