i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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