I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
