I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
