is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
