Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
